✅ Expert reviewed
This article has been reviewed by Dr. Jacqui Gabb, Professor of Sociology and Intimacy at The Open University, to ensure the guidance reflects current research and clinical insight into long‑term couple relationships.
Is sex really that important in a relationship?
We are often told that not only is sex important in a healthy relationship, but that it can also reveal how well things are going between you and your partner.
For many couples, sex is a big component of a satisfying relationship — it feels good and can foster emotional intimacy and closeness.
So when the honeymoon phase ends and your “new” relationship settles into routine, it is no surprise that having less sex can trigger anxiety.
You might worry you have “lost the spark” or that your partner is no longer attracted to you.
In reality, there is no one‑size‑fits‑all formula for sexual satisfaction. Relationship quality is shaped by many factors, and every couple is different.
This article explores why sex can be important in a relationship — and why it is not automatically the be‑all and end‑all.
Is sex a necessary part of a relationship?
So why do we place so much weight on sex in the first place?
“Sex can feel important in a relationship because you feel horny! You physically want sexual release, or sex makes you feel good about yourself, or it frees your cluttered mind from the humdrum of work and domestic life,” explains Dr. Gabb.
She also notes that in heterosexual couples, gender roles play a big part in how much value we assign to sex. “The importance of sex in a relationship is also part of a cultural script that says couples should have good sex as often as they can.”
Research shows that the amount of sex men and women say they are having — and would like to have — often does not line up. Men tend to overestimate their sexual frequency and number of partners. This “sexual script” is deeply gendered and can leave many men feeling they are not having enough sex simply because of myths about what is normal.
In other words, sex can feel necessary because of desire, because of how it helps us cope, and because of powerful social messages — but that does not mean every couple needs the same amount or type of sex to be healthy.
How important is sex in a relationship, really?
The importance of sex varies from person to person and from couple to couple.
For some people, an active sex life feels crucial for the relationship to thrive. Others feel more nourished by different kinds of intimacy, like affection, conversation, or shared experiences.
We all have different libidos and sexual needs — and some people have none — as well as different priorities in relationships. There is no single “right” answer.
That said, sex can come with both emotional and physical benefits for many couples.
Sex releases feel‑good hormones including endorphins, dopamine, and oxytocin (often called the “love hormone”), which can enhance bonding and connection.
Some studies find that couples who have regular sex report happier relationships and certain long‑term relationship benefits. But as Dr. Gabb points out, we should take these findings with a grain of salt.
“Some research suggests that discrepancies in sexual desire and frequency pose a threat to partner satisfaction and can lead to relationship breakdown,” she explains, referencing work such as some research suggests in the literature.
“But this is often premised on statistical research that aims to measure marital satisfaction and relationship quality, and many of those studies already assume that sex is important in the first place.”
What couples actually say about sex and satisfaction
In her Enduring Love? study, Dr. Gabb and colleagues focused on couples’ lived experiences rather than starting from the assumption that sex is central.
“We found no clear link between relationship satisfaction and sexual discrepancy,” she notes.
Couples often said they expected some differences in desire because there are differences in many areas of their lives — why would sex be any different?
This perspective flips the usual idea that sex must be highly important and that couples should strive for identical levels of desire.
Instead, many couples in the study emphasised the need for shared intimacy that may or may not include sex — like hugging, cuddling, or simply being emotionally close.
They also spoke about finding ways to manage sexual differences, often through humour and gentle negotiation.
These findings echo other research showing that it is not sex alone that boosts wellbeing, but the affection and positive interactions that often surround it.
How often should a couple have sex?
Another big source of anxiety is frequency: how often should you be having sex?
Some studies suggest that desired frequency can be a factor in relationship satisfaction. For example, one 2015 study looked at how often couples should have sex and found that sex was linked to greater satisfaction up to a point.
In that research, relationship satisfaction improved when couples went from no sex to having sex roughly once a week, but did not increase much beyond that.
While once‑a‑week sex might have been optimal for those couples, it is not a universal prescription.
Your sexual rhythm should be something you and your partner work out together, based on your needs, health, schedules, and desires.
If one of you wants more sex, it is often about finding a middle ground — a rhythm that respects both partners’ limits and longings. As Dr. Gabb says, this usually involves compromise and a willingness to adjust as circumstances change.
Does sex change over the course of a relationship?
Sexual desire and frequency naturally ebb and flow over time.
“There are often dips in a couple’s sex life,” explains Dr. Gabb. “This may be due to external factors like job stress, the exhaustion of new parenthood, physical health issues, or mental health challenges.”
If you suddenly find yourselves having less sex, try not to jump straight to worst‑case conclusions.
It is important to separate contextual, physical, and emotional factors from the idea that a dip in sex automatically means disinterest or disengagement.
A relationship is not necessarily “on the rocks” just because your sex life is changing — sometimes life simply gets in the way.
That said, if the change is causing distress for one or both partners, it can become a relationship issue that deserves attention.
What to do if you are not having as much sex as you would like
Having less sex is not always a bad sign, but if one or both of you are unhappy, it is important to talk about it rather than letting resentment build.
Dr. Gabb recommends taking this conversation out of the bedroom so that space does not become associated with tension.
Talk through possible reasons sex might not be happening — external stresses, physical concerns, emotional distance — and listen to each other with empathy.
Then, see if you can agree on a gentle strategy. This will usually take time, so do not expect everything to change after one talk.
Next time you are in bed, start with physical intimacy and connection rather than aiming straight for intercourse. Focus on touch, cuddling, or a slow make‑out session.
You might be eager to “spice things up,” but it is crucial to go at a pace that feels safe for both of you and to take your partner with you.
Experiment with adjusting routines, taking intimacy outside the bedroom, or scheduling time where the goal is simply to be close.
Can a relationship last without sex?
Yes. “Couples can survive without sex and many couples do — either through choice or because of health reasons,” says Dr. Gabb.
Sex can play an important role in a healthy, happy relationship, but it is not always essential, and having less (or no) sex does not automatically make a relationship weaker.
The importance of sex in a relationship depends on both the individuals and the couple as a unit, and it is normal for that importance to shift across the life course.
Not everyone needs sex to feel deeply connected — asexual people, for example, may prioritise other forms of intimacy.
If sex is important to you, though, avoiding the topic can impact your self‑esteem and how you feel in the relationship. Talking honestly with your partner is key.
“Do not make sex into a big thing,” cautions Dr. Gabb. “The more you stress about the quality or frequency of sex, the more likely it is to get worse. Think of sex as one part of the relationship and not the be‑all and end‑all.”
