When your relationship feels stuck
Has your relationship started to feel a bit flat? Maybe conversations have dried up, your sex life has slowed down, or you feel taken for granted.
If so, you might be in a relationship rut — a period where your connection feels more like routine than romance.
The good news: ruts are common, and there are simple actions you can take to make things feel exciting again and reconnect with your partner.
Is it normal to be in a relationship rut?
If you feel like your relationship is in a rut, you are definitely not alone. Ruts are one of the most common complaints among long‑term couples.
In a research study that followed over 300 couples for nearly three decades, academic and marriage therapist Dr. Terri Orbuch found that more than 42% of partners felt their relationships were in a rut — or at risk of sliding into one.
Left unaddressed, that stuck feeling can become more than just a rough patch. Dr. Orbuch also found that partners who described their relationship as being in a rut year after year became significantly less happy over time.
That is why it is important to notice the pattern early and gently course‑correct together.
What is a “rut” in a relationship?
“A relationship rut can be when the humdrum of daily work and home life becomes the only focus for partner time and couple interactions. Or it can be when the ‘honeymoon period’ has passed and the novelty wears off — familiarity sets in,” explains Dr. Jacqui Gabb, professor of sociology and intimacy at The Open University and Chief Relationships Officer at Lova.
Comfort and stability are valuable in love, but you can have too much of a good thing.
“Familiarity and daily routines can be positive if they also include ways to appreciate each other and the partnership,” says Dr. Gabb.
Problems arise when familiarity slides into taking each other for granted.
“It is possible that one partner may feel they are in a rut because of the sense of familiarity, whereas their partner may even feel comforted by it,” she notes. “What is important is that familiarity does not slip into taking a partner or partnership for granted. Feeling comforted by familiarity is different from feeling too comfortable and not making an effort.”
For many couples, the tipping point is when you stop making small, meaningful gestures or “grafting” for the relationship because you assume your partner will always be there.
Ruts can be temporary — if you address them
Dr. Gabb points out that ruts are often part and parcel of long‑term relationships and do not automatically mean the love is over.
“Being in a rut can also be a temporary stage or hiatus, something that the couple knows is happening due to external pressures or life circumstances taking precedence — for example with the birth of a first child,” she says.
What matters is whether you both recognise what is happening and are willing to do something about it, rather than silently drifting further apart.
1. Focus on everyday gestures, not grand fixes
When things feel stale, it can be tempting to reach for a huge romantic gesture — an expensive trip, a dramatic gift, or a sweeping declaration.
Dr. Gabb suggests almost the opposite.
“A grand gesture does not shift the dial and move the relationship out of the rut. So do not rush directly to the nearest florist and buy a huge bouquet. It is about thoughtfulness and reinvesting in the partnership on a regular basis.”
Start small but consistent: send a kind message during the day, make their favourite drink, offer a longer hug, or ask a more curious question about their world.
Over time, these everyday acts remind you both that you are seen and appreciated.
2. Date each other again
Re‑introducing intentional couple time can help shift your relationship out of autopilot.
“A good place to start is to reinstate date nights,” says Dr. Gabb. “If these are still happening but have lost their sparkle, then sex‑up date nights. If they have become routine, do something different.”
If date night always means watching a movie on the couch, turn off the TV and make a playlist of favourite songs instead. Sing along, reminisce about old memories, or dance in the living room.
The aim is not perfection, but creating space where you focus fully on each other rather than on chores, screens, or schedules.
3. Commit to trying new things together
New, shared experiences help keep your sense of “us” feeling fresh.
“Make a pledge to do something new, for example, start a new hobby together,” Dr. Gabb suggests. “Write a bucket list of things you have always fancied trying out. Pick one off each list and sign up for the taster session together.”
That might mean a cooking class, a hike somewhere you have never been, an exercise class, a day trip, or volunteering for a fundraiser.
Trying new things together gives you more to talk about, more to laugh about, and more shared memories to draw on when life gets stressful.
4. Make time for intimacy and physical closeness
Emotional and physical intimacy often fade when you are stuck in a rut — yet they are also some of the best ways to feel close again.
“Prioritise couple time and re‑engage with intimacy,” says Dr. Gabb. “This could be cuddling up together on the sofa and reconnecting through touch — no words spoken. Just let your fingers do the talking.”
Focus on small, caring touches: holding hands, a hand on the back as you pass, a slow kiss instead of a rushed peck.
Notice how your body responds to that contact and how your partner reacts. Let it be about connection first; if sex follows, it can grow from that sense of closeness rather than pressure.
“In the end, it is horses for courses,” Dr. Gabb adds. “That is the point: it is about working out how you have got into a rut and doing something together to pull yourselves out of this. The very act of committing to this is positive.”
