Openly talking about sex is a skill — and a turn‑on
Good sex rarely happens by accident. It usually requires effort, curiosity, and a lot of honest conversation.
Whether you want more sex, want to explore a fantasy, or you are dealing with difficulties in your sex life, the road to a more satisfying relationship is paved with a few slightly awkward chats.
There are many reasons to talk openly about sex with your partner. Research suggests that couples who discuss their sex life tend to feel more satisfied in bed and more satisfied in their relationship overall.
Other studies have found that couples with sexual problems often report a lack of sexual communication. In contrast, sexual communication is positively linked with all domains of sexual function — desire, arousal, erection, lubrication, orgasm, and even less pain.
Being able to talk about tough topics can foster closeness, and a “sex chat” is no different.
Why does talking about sex matter so much?
“Talking about sex is a great way to ensure that communication stays open and clear about the expectations and desires surrounding sexual enjoyment,” says Aoife Drury, a COSRT‑accredited psychosexual and relationship therapist.
“It also facilitates a greater understanding of how to improve sexual experiences and increase intimacy. Having conversations about the struggles and challenges, alongside what helps you connect, is a fantastic way to flourish as a couple.”
Sexual communication does not just help you have more mutually pleasurable sex. It also gives you space to set boundaries, negotiate consent, and explore new activities together in a way that feels safe for both of you.
Open conversations about sex can themselves feel intimate and arousing, especially once you have practised a few times.
5 tips on how to talk about sex with your partner
If you are not sure where to start, these therapist‑informed tips can help:
1. Pick the right time and place. “Timing is important,” says Drury. Bringing things up in the middle of an argument or when you are rushing out the door is unlikely to lead to a productive talk. Plan the conversation for a time when you are both relatively relaxed and have space to chat — maybe in the living room, the kitchen, or on a walk together.
2. Do not ambush your partner. “These conversations are difficult, and not everyone is ready at the same time,” Drury notes. Ask your partner when and how they would feel most comfortable having the chat, and share your preferences too. You could sit down over dinner, talk while you are getting in the mood, or use prompts such as questionnaires or sensory exercises to make it feel more playful.
3. Lead with the positives. Start by acknowledging what is working in your sex life. Professor of sociology and intimacy at The Open University and Chief Relationships Officer at Lova, Dr. Jacqui Gabb, recommends avoiding criticism and focusing on pleasure. Drury agrees: highlight what you enjoy, what you would like more of, and how things could improve. Use “I” statements and be clear, without blaming.
4. Stay consistent. This is not a one‑time talk. Drury suggests carving out regular check‑in time for your relationship in general, and including sex in that conversation. Over time, practice makes these chats feel much easier. The more you talk about sex, the more your sex life — and your relationship — will benefit.
5. Be patient. Reaching a place where both of your pleasure needs are met can take time. We all have different levels of comfort talking about sex, so be patient if your partner feels hesitant. As Dr. Gabb points out, there may be past experiences that make the topic feel distressing. In those cases, move slowly, respect their pace, and consider professional support if needed.
How to bring up sex: 11 conversation starters
If you want some prompts to get things flowing, here are 11 questions adapted from Lova’s “Conversations for Better Sex” question pack.
These are designed to break down barriers and help you both unpack your feelings in a way that feels less intimidating:
What do you consider to be great sex?
What is your goal during sex?
What do you wish your partner knew about your sexual desires?
How important is communication during sex?
What holds you back from discussing sex with your partner?
How has your upbringing influenced your comfort level in talking about sex with others?
When are you most comfortable discussing sex with your partner? Least comfortable?
Where is the right place to talk about sex?
Is there anything you have always wanted to try during sex but have been too embarrassed to ask?
Can you be physically intimate without sex? How or how not?
Name three things you could do to improve your sex life.
Using Lova to keep the conversation going
If you are not sure how to start, tools like the Lova app can give you gentle prompts and expert‑designed exercises.
For example, you could try a conversation pack or the “Awkward Sex Chats” exercise to help you practise saying things out loud in a structured way.
The more you normalise talking about sex, the easier it becomes to ask for what you want, listen to what your partner needs, and co‑create a sex life that works for both of you.
