✅ Expert reviewed
This article has been reviewed by Laura Caruso, licensed therapist and relationship expert, to ensure that the guidance around sex after kids is compassionate, realistic, and grounded in how intimacy typically changes for new parents.
Sex after kids: more possible than you think
Having an active sex life as parents is undeniably more challenging, but the myth that sex has to disappear after kids does not have to become your reality.
In fact, some studies suggest that 94% of parents are satisfied with their sex lives, and 57% say their sex is even better after kids.
“Give yourself time and space to adjust to parenthood, even if you have had children in the past,” says Laura Caruso, licensed therapist and relationship expert.
“Do not compare yourself to others or — worse — to your own past experiences. Each new child brings new challenges, and the adjustment will feel easier with an abundance of self‑compassion and empathy.”
In other words, the answer is not just finding a babysitter. It is about rebuilding emotional and physical connection in a way that fits this new chapter as parents.
How much sex is normal after kids?
Many couples feel insecure about how often they are having sex, especially after becoming parents.
Sleep deprivation, hormonal changes, and limited time all impact libido and sexual frequency — and these changes are normal.
“There is no universal number when it comes to sex,” says Caruso.
“The frequency of sex varies widely for couples, and — rather than fixate on a target amount — it is important that both partners feel satisfied with their level of intimacy.”
How often do couples with kids have sex?
Research paints a wide spectrum. A large 2023 survey of more than 26,000 parents found that about 30% of people have sex one to two times a week, while around 44.5% have sex one to two times a month (recent survey on sex after kids).
These numbers shift depending on the age of the children, mental health, available support, cultural expectations, and more.
So while statistics can be interesting, they should not become a strict barometer for your own sex life. Postpartum sex naturally varies from couple to couple.
“Transitioning into parenthood is a significant life change that impacts energy levels, time commitments, and emotional capacity,” says Caruso.
After giving birth, physical recovery and hormonal shifts shape libido and desire. Oxytocin that used to come from cuddling and sex may now be released through breastfeeding, which can unintentionally create emotional and physical distance from your partner.
Estrogen and testosterone levels typically drop after birth, and many parents feel “touched out” when little ones are constantly in their arms. In that context, sex may understandably feel like the last thing on your mind.
“Despite these adjustments, many couples discover new depths of connection,” says Caruso. “Finding strategies to maintain intimacy and keep the spark alive is essential for fostering a healthy and fulfilling relationship amidst the joys and demands of raising children.”
How can parents find time for sex after having children?
In a healthy relationship, it is possible not only to find time for sex after kids, but to enjoy great sex — it just looks different than before.
The key is shifting from “Are we having enough?” to “How can we stay on the same team and honor both of our needs?”
“Communication between partners is key to understanding each other’s needs and finding a balance that works for both,” says Caruso.
“It is also common for sexual frequency to fluctuate over time, so maintaining open and honest communication about desires and expectations can help couples navigate this aspect of their relationship post‑childbirth.”
Instead of obsessing over numbers, focus on talking together about what intimacy looks like in this season — and how you can both protect small pockets of time to connect.
Tips for rekindling intimacy after having children
Rekindling intimacy after kids is a unique process for every couple. Your journey will depend on factors like birth experience, mental health, the support you have, and whether this is your first child or not.
“Rekindling intimacy after children requires both emotional and physical efforts,” says Caruso.
“Prioritizing quality time to focus solely on your relationship as a couple and not on your roles as parents — and expressing affection through hugs, kisses, and physical touch throughout the day — is a great start. Emotional and physical closeness helps maintain intimacy.”
Date nights may feel unrealistic, especially in the newborn phase, but quality time does not have to be elaborate. Even ten minutes of meaningful conversation that is not about the kids can help you remember each other as partners, not just co‑parents.
Keeping that dedicated space for the two of you helps both partners feel valued and cherished, which in turn makes sexual desire more likely to re‑emerge.
“To deepen your connection, plan romantic gestures or surprises for each other. Small acts of thoughtfulness can reignite passion and appreciation,” says Caruso.
She also emphasizes the importance of taking care of yourself: “Remember: it takes two to tango. Prioritize self‑care to maintain your well‑being and recharge your energy. When you feel good, you are more likely to experience desire in your relationship.”
Sex after kids is rarely easy, but with consistent effort and empathy on both sides, it does not have to be impossible.
How to enjoy sex again after having a baby
There are huge emotional, physical, and hormonal changes after giving birth — and you cannot just ignore them.
As you ease back into sex, it will likely feel strange, awkward, or different at first, and that is completely normal.
Birth itself can make sex painful. Pregnancy and labor can stretch or weaken pelvic floor muscles, and the body needs time and support to heal. People who have had a C‑section can also struggle, especially if they are dealing with scar sensitivity, sleep deprivation, postpartum depression, or anxiety.
“Physical, mental, and emotional changes after birth might create discomfort or fear around sex and intimacy,” says Caruso.
“It is important to remember that levels of intimacy vary, and penetration and climax can be idealized elements of sex; in reality, they are not accessible to many very soon postpartum.”
Talking about these changes can feel unsexy in the moment, but honest conversations pay off in the long run. There is no race to “get back” to sex.
“If you feel uncertain about sex after having a baby, start small and work your way up towards levels of intimacy that feel higher‑intensity,” says Caruso.
She recommends addressing physical changes gently, allowing time for healing, and prioritizing extended foreplay to build arousal and comfort.
Most importantly, remember that intimacy is bigger than intercourse. Many new parents are also adjusting to their new identities, bodies, and routines.
“Nurture emotional closeness through quality time together and affectionate gestures beyond sexual encounters,” Caruso adds. “By approaching intimacy with understanding and patience, couples can rekindle their sexual connection and rediscover the joy of intimacy after welcoming a new baby into their lives.”
Research with postpartum women also shows that strategies like acceptance, self‑care, time alone, dedicated couple time, and adapting sexual encounters can help people recover their sexuality after childbirth (qualitative study on recovering sexuality after childbirth).
How to keep the spark alive in your sex life after kids
If you are working on reigniting your sex life after children, you deserve encouragement — not judgment.
“By integrating these practices into your routine, you can nurture chemistry through playful flirtation to maintain a fulfilling and intimate connection with your partner amidst the joys and challenges of parenting,” says Caruso.
Here are some of her practical ideas for keeping the spark alive:
• Rediscover playful flirting by sending flirty texts or notes throughout the day, building anticipation and reminding each other that you are still lovers, not just parents.
• Plan romantic surprises such as at‑home candlelit dinners, surprise dates, or occasional weekend getaways if you have support.
• Experiment with sensual touch — like massages or slow caresses — that emphasize relaxation and connection, not just goal‑oriented sex.
• Break routine by changing up where intimacy happens, whether that is a different room at home, a cozy balcony, or a rented cabin for a night.
• Bring lightness back with playful teasing and banter that sparks laughter and ease between you.
• Share fantasies in a safe, non‑judgmental way, so you can understand each other’s desires and maybe explore them together.
• Try physical activities together, like yoga, walks, or dancing, to boost endorphins and help you feel like a team again.
• Practice mindfulness during intimate moments, focusing on sensations, emotions, and connection instead of performance or comparison.
With time, experimentation, and patience, your sex life after kids can become not just “back to normal” but deeper, more honest, and more connected than before.
