✅ Expert reviewed
This article has been reviewed by Dr. Marisa T. Cohen, relationship scientist and therapist, to ensure the guidance around emotional affairs and boundaries is clear, nuanced, and research‑informed.
What is an emotional affair?
When most people think about cheating, they picture physical or sexual infidelity. But there is another form of betrayal that can be just as painful: the emotional affair.
“An emotional affair is when a partner is intimate with another person in a non‑physical manner, for example, confiding in someone outside of the relationship,” explains Dr. Marisa T. Cohen.
Emotional affairs involve strong emotional chemistry with someone other than your partner. The person having the affair invests energy, attention, and intimacy into this outside connection — often at the expense of their primary relationship.
In some cases, there is also sexual or romantic attraction, even if no sexual interaction has (yet) taken place.
Is an emotional affair considered cheating?
In many relationships, yes.
“When discussing infidelity, physical affairs often spring to mind, yet an emotional affair can be just as, if not more, harmful to the relationship,” says Dr. Cohen.
The hurt often comes from secrecy, divided loyalty, and the sense that someone outside the relationship is now receiving your partner’s most vulnerable thoughts, feelings, and care.
“It can be devastating largely due to the confusion it can cause, and also because it can highlight mismatched and undiscussed expectations around boundaries.”
Even if no clear “rules” were ever set, discovering that your partner has been turning to someone else for emotional support can feel like a deep breach of trust.
What is considered an emotional affair?
Unlike sexual infidelity, which research usually defines in fairly concrete terms, emotional affairs live in a greyer area.
“For example, some definitions [of infidelity] include sexual infidelity, while others focus on emotional distance or lies,” explains Dr. Cohen.
Two partners can interpret the same situation very differently. One might see a connection as innocent friendship, while the other experiences it as a painful boundary crossing.
As Dr. Cohen notes, “Partners may hold different definitions and views, which can lead to one or both feeling as if lines have been blurred in certain circumstances.”
Emotional affair vs friendship
People often blur the lines between a close friendship and an emotional affair, but there are key differences.
Both can offer support and companionship. What tends to distinguish an emotional affair is secrecy, intensity, and the sense that the outside relationship is competing with — or undermining — the primary partnership.
Friendships can, however, drift into emotional cheating over time.
“Take, for example, a couple, Johnny and Claire,” says Dr. Cohen. “Johnny started getting close to another woman Dawn, who he jokingly labeled his work wife. They are on the same project team, work well with and trust one another, and also enjoy passing time together during what can sometimes feel like an endless work day.
“Claire recently discovered that Johnny has been confiding in Dawn about a rift between him and his brother. She got enraged that he would share something so personal and accused him of having an emotional affair. Johnny did not feel as if anything happened, but Claire felt that he was connecting to and confiding in Dawn in ways he did not with her.”
In this case, one partner saw the situation as emotional infidelity because she felt her expectations and boundaries had been breached, while the other partner did not see any problem.
The importance of relationship boundaries
“To avoid such a situation in your own partnership, having an open and honest discussion about emotional infidelity and boundaries is imperative,” says Dr. Cohen.
Boundaries are like the lines you draw around what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship. They are meant to protect your emotional and physical safety — not to control your partner.
Dr. Cohen suggests that someone like Claire might say she is uncomfortable with Johnny sharing very personal family information with others before talking to her. Johnny, in turn, might explain that forming friendships with coworkers helps him get through stressful days.
They may not fully agree, but these conversations are essential for understanding each other’s perspectives and comfort zones.
Here are a few questions Dr. Cohen recommends exploring together:
• How would you each define emotional infidelity? • What boundaries feel important with friends, colleagues, and ex‑partners? • How private should information about our relationship and our conflicts be? • Is it important that we meet each other’s close friends?
“Take the time to let your partner know about the confines of your comfort zone, and the expectations you have of the relationship, as well as potential triggers for you,” she says. “Be sure to allow your partner to share, and validate their feelings and beliefs as well.”
Clear, compassionate conversations will not erase every risk of emotional affairs — but they make it much easier to stay on the same team and to repair quickly if one of you feels a line has been crossed.
