Going through a dry spell?
All relationships can go through dry spells, where sex becomes rare or even non‑existent.
If your sex life with your partner is on pause, you might find yourself wondering whether a lack of sex in a relationship is something to panic about.
The reality is that sexless seasons are much more common than most of us realise.
How common is a sexless relationship?
“According to research, 30–40% of long‑term couples are in a sexless relationship, defined as making love less than six times a year,” says Dr. Cheryl Fraser, sex therapist and clinical psychologist.
“About half of those couples are not making love at all, and have not for a year or longer.”
A lack of sex is not always a problem in itself. It becomes an issue when sex plays an important role for one or both partners and those needs are not being met.
Does lack of sex always mean there is a problem?
“Sex is important in a relationship if it is important for the people in the relationship,” explains Silva Neves, a UKCP and COSRT‑accredited psychosexual and relationship psychotherapist.
Some people are not very sexual or simply do not view sex as central to their relationship. They might prefer to prioritise cuddles, other forms of intimacy, companionship, and shared activities.
Others feel that sex is a major part of their wellbeing and one of the central pieces of their romantic life.
Tension usually shows up when there is a big gap between how important sex feels to each of you. Differences in desire or values around sex can create friction if they are not talked about.
How often should a couple have sex?
There is no magic number that suits every couple.
How often you “should” have sex depends entirely on what you and your partner want and need — not on what anyone else is doing.
Some research has linked sexual satisfaction to overall relationship satisfaction, but that does not mean more sex always equals a better bond. One study, for example, found that the benefits of more frequent sex flattened out at about once a week.
Many people use their sex frequency as a litmus test for how happy their relationship is, but sex is not the only indicator of health.
“Many people live very happy lives and fulfilling relationships without that much sex,” says Neves. “The thought we ‘should’ have more sex often comes from misinformation perpetuated by society.”
Desire also naturally waxes and wanes over the course of a relationship, which means some variation over time is normal.
Can a relationship last without sex?
“Absolutely. Lack of sex only becomes an issue if one or more of the partners in the relationship are unhappy with their sex lives,” Neves notes.
Sometimes people feel dissatisfied because their sexual needs are not being met. Other times they feel bad because they believe they “should” be having more sex and assume that not doing so means the relationship is in trouble.
If both partners share similar values around sex, feel on the same page about the lack of sex, prioritise other forms of intimacy, and trust each other to be honest, a relationship can be deeply fulfilling without regular intercourse.
What are the emotional effects of a sexless relationship?
For people who see sex as very important and are in a relationship with a big desire gap, the emotional impact can be heavy.
“For those whose sex life is very important and who are in a relationship with a discrepancy in sexual desire, it can definitely erode their wellbeing,” says Neves.
People may feel unloved or undesired, worry that their partner no longer finds them attractive, or fear that an affair might happen.
Repeated rejection can lead to feelings of hurt and resentment. Over time, couples might start to feel more distant and even question whether they should stay together.
What causes a sexless relationship?
There are many possible reasons why your sex life may have slowed down, and it is not always a sign that the relationship itself is broken.
Dr. Fraser highlights some common contributors to a lack of sex:
Physical factors. Hormones, fatigue, back pain, depression, erection issues, pelvic pain, and other health concerns.
Emotional factors. Feeling disconnected from your partner, insecure, or less attracted than before.
Relationship factors. Ongoing bickering, feeling unappreciated or undesired, or recovering from an affair.
Sexual factors between partners. Finding sex boring or uncomfortable, or struggling to reach orgasm.
Individual sexual factors. Lower libido, changes after having a child, after an affair, or around menopause.
Lifestyle factors. High stress levels, financial worries, or lack of time and privacy.
How do you deal with a lack of sex in a relationship?
Sex is not everything, but it can absolutely help foster connection, excitement, and intimacy.
If you and your partner both want to rekindle your sexual spark, there are practical steps you can take.
“The first thing to do is to not ignore it,” says Neves. Because sex is such an emotive topic, many couples avoid “the elephant in the room” rather than address it.
A sex and relationship therapist can help you have the conversations that feel too big or overwhelming to manage alone.
Neves suggests starting with small things: noticing each other when you are undressing, expressing attraction, or reading erotica together.
Talking about sex, gradually re‑introducing touch without any pressure for penetration or orgasm, and focusing on sensations in the moment can all help.
Once the serious conversations feel a little safer, you can start to get experimental again — playing, flirting, and trying new things that feel exciting for you both.
Make a habit of entering a sensual space regularly, avoid criticism, and focus on what you genuinely enjoy about each other.
Making your sex life a priority again
“Quite simply, you need to make your sex life a priority,” says Dr. Fraser. “Do not wait around for what is called spontaneous desire — ‘Hey baby, I am so hot for you, let’s go!’”
When spontaneous desire does show up, enjoy it. But research suggests that after the first year or so of a relationship, most couples need to cultivate responsive desire instead — creating the circumstances that lead to wanting sex.
That might look like scheduling time together, managing stress, or planning low‑pressure intimacy dates where the goal is connection rather than performance.
Fraser notes that finding your way back to being sexual after a dry spell can feel vulnerable for both partners.
“Some underlying relationship issues will likely surface. That is okay — relationships are complex, dynamic things. Do not give up just because it is tough. Instead, take this as an opportunity to strengthen your love, both in and out of the bedroom.”
