How Long Is Too Long Without Sex in a Relationship?

✅ Expert reviewed

This article has been reviewed by Laura Caruso, licensed therapist and relationship expert, to ensure the guidance reflects current research and best practices for navigating desire differences in long‑term relationships.

Dry spells happen — but when should you worry?

Most couples go through quieter seasons in their sex life. Desire rises and falls with stress, health, life changes, and how connected you both feel.

Sex can be an important part of a romantic relationship — it can increase intimacy, help you feel close, and, of course, be fun. So when you are not having sex, it is understandable to wonder if something is wrong.

If you catch yourself counting the days since you last had sex (or cannot even remember), it is natural to feel anxious.

But a dry spell does not automatically mean your relationship is doomed. The key is understanding why it is happening and how both of you feel about it.

Why do couples go through dry spells?

Even couples who seem to “have it all together” can go through periods with little or no sex.

Some common reasons include:

• Body image issues, low self‑confidence, or other insecurities.

• Chronic stress or ongoing fatigue.

• Relationship problems, such as a breakdown in trust or unresolved conflict.

• The arrival of a new baby or other major life transition.

• Sexual pain or dysfunction (for example erectile difficulties, menopause‑related changes, or painful intercourse).

• Low libido or a mismatch in sexual desire.

• Busy schedules and simply not prioritising time for intimacy.

• Physical or mental health challenges.

Some of these issues temporarily reduce sexual frequency; others point to deeper compatibility or wellbeing questions.

While your sex life may no longer look like the early, high‑intensity days, you can still have a loving, secure relationship with little or even no sex — as long as both partners feel generally satisfied and respected.

If you are struggling with the lack of sex in a relationship., it is important to talk about it rather than silently carrying frustration.

How often “should” a couple have sex?

There is no magic number that every couple must hit. What matters is how you both feel about your current level of intimacy, not how often anyone else is having sex.

Researchers have tried to map out patterns. One large study of 26,000 Americans found that, on average, monogamous couples had sex around 54 times a year — a little under once a week.

That does not mean once‑a‑week sex is mandatory. Frequency naturally changes with age, health, work demands, parenting, and many other factors.

In a study of mid‑life adults, views of sex became less positive over time. Younger adults in their 20s reported more frequent sex, while many women over 50 reported less.

On top of that, cultural or religious norms, personal values, and past experiences shape how people think about sex and how often they want it.

And sex is not only intercourse. Kissing, touching, mutual masturbation, oral sex, and other forms of pleasure all count as sexual connection.

Our 2023 survey, 2023 Relationship Trends Revealed, Touch is the Biggest Priority for Couples, showed that many people felt closest to their partner not during sex, but through cuddling, holding hands, and other forms of physical affection.

So even if your sexual frequency is lower than it once was, that does not always mean there is a disconnect.

What counts as a “dry spell”?

There is no universal threshold where a quiet period officially becomes a dry spell.

For a couple used to sex several times a week, two or three weeks without might feel like a big change. For another couple, once‑a‑month sex might feel comfortable and right.

One 2013 study found that roughly three‑quarters of participants were having sex once or twice a month, which suggests that a month without sex can still fall well within the “normal” range.

Ultimately, a dry spell is defined less by the calendar and more by how it feels: is anyone feeling lonely, undesired, or resentful?

Is it healthy to go months without sex?

Going months without sex is not automatically unhealthy or a reason to break up.

If the gap is tied to circumstantial reasons — a new baby, grief, illness, work burnout — it may simply mean your energy is going elsewhere for a time.

Relationship therapist Mairead Molloy, for example, notes that there is no universal “correct” amount of sex; the key is that partners feel reasonably content and aligned.

The bigger concern is when sex disappears suddenly without explanation and one partner is unwilling to talk about it. That can be a sign of deeper issues like eroding trust, unspoken hurt, or medical problems that need care.

What happens when you do not have sex for a long time?

Going without sex for a while does not automatically damage your relationship or health. The meaning behind the change matters more than the change itself.

For example, a partner struggling with body image, trauma, or anxiety may need time and support before they feel comfortable being physically vulnerable again.

Mental health challenges, grief, or family stress can all dampen desire. In those cases, compassion and communication are more useful than pressure.

One 2017 study even found that sexually active and sexless adults reported very similar happiness levels once factors like age, health, and income were taken into account.

Fear of infidelity can add pressure — but having sex purely to stop a partner from cheating usually backfires. It is healthier to address the fear directly, perhaps with the help of a couples therapist, than to push yourself into unwanted sex.

What if one of you wants sex more than the other?

It is very common for partners to have different levels of desire at different times.

If you feel you consistently want sex more than the other, resentment can build unless you talk about it.

Start by sharing how you feel without blame: focus on missing closeness rather than accusing your partner of doing something wrong.

Then ask how sex feels from their side: are they tired, stressed, anxious, in pain, or simply wired differently when it comes to desire?

Once you understand each other’s realities, you can explore compromises together — for example, scheduling intimacy, expanding your definition of sex, or protecting more time for rest so desire has space to return.

How to reconnect when you feel you have gone “too long”

If you are worried you have gone too long without sex, the first step is a gentle, honest conversation.

Share that you miss feeling close, and ask open questions about what has changed for them.

From there, you can experiment with low‑pressure ways to warm things up again:

• Talk about your sexual fantasies in a curious, non‑judgmental way.

• Increase everyday touch — from hand‑holding to cuddling in bed — without always aiming for sex.

• Try exercises like sensate focus, where you take turns touching and being touched with no goal of orgasm.

• Create relaxing spaces together: a warm bath, a slow massage, or a tech‑free evening on the couch.

• Explore sex toys, outfits, or games if they feel exciting to both of you.

• Use tools like Lova to spark new conversations about desire and boundaries in a structured way.

Remember that humans are wired for touch. Feeling chronically touch-starved can be painful — but rebuilding physical affection does not have to happen overnight.

Patience, curiosity, and collaboration are far more effective than pressure or panic.